As Americans go to elect their President bear in mind a few of the outsiders also running.
If Jack Grimes were in charge of America, he says, he would finally set things right .. He would establish a fascist dictatorship based on the teachings of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein, and he would rely on telepathy and astrology to help him make his decisions .. It’s bound to happen, he says, since he’s been sent “by the gods” to revive the “Roman empire.” .. His destiny, he says, is nothing the American people should fear.…
[And then] Sterling Allan, a 40-year-old hopeful from Utah .. He’s conferred with his bibles, and they’ve suggested he might be just the person America needs to solve its problems. Allan interpreted that message through the alphabetics bible code - a system he says he created and pushed so adamantly that the Mormon church excommunicated him for apostasy … he has raised $10 in campaign contributions in the past year.
…
Randy Crow of Wilmington, N.C., argues that he’s the candidate hand-picked by God. Crow, who in his Internet writings refers to himself as “The Lamb,” “The Lord of Lords” and “The Returning Christ,” points to the birthmarks on his right forearm as proof, saying they could be the “marks of spikes stuck in my wrists on the Cross the first time around.” And with that authority behind him, the 58-year-old real estate businessman has a few things to say .. The main one is that “zioni$t$” have stolen the American economy “and turned it communi$tic.” .. The candidate .. also claimed there were colonies of men on the moon armed with death rays that could instantly vaporize people on Earth at the government’s order.
I just had to put my favourite bit of that in bold. They must be pretty convincing birth marks.
Now who would you rather, those guys or George Bush?
(The source of this information.)
(As always) I like The Onion’s take on things: Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote On Nov. 3.
Aren’t elections fun.